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Buy this THING!

Are you lonesome? Hopeless? Racist and Poor?

Get this thing right now.

Has your wife left you? Has your husband left you?

Good- more money for you to




Are you frightened of bombs? Can't sleep because whenever you close your eyes, all you see is boiling flesh peeling off the muscles that curled your best friend's lips into a melting smile?

You need this. I want you to get this- I would buy it for you but you need to learn how to do things on your own. Exterminate the nightmares, the crushing doubt, the soul-searing guilt, and broken promises with drugs, self-serving sex, and competitive shopping.

Then get out your wallet, call this number, and BUY. THIS. THING.

Arrested in adolescence? Drowning in Debt? Wanna slit your wrists but all you've got are plastic knives?

Don't be an idiot- Take control of your life; This thing is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Craving your parents love? Wanna stop disappointing your dad? Tired of life but scared to die? Kids too ugly to fuck?

We understand and we love you; we know you and we need you to know that we care. So please, do us a favor and help us quell our concerns; let us help you help yourself.

Is your kitchen a mess? Has the bank taken everything you've ever owned? Did a girl on the internet ignore your salutations? Send her a picture of your dick then kill her and BUY this thing right after. We'll find a scapegoat for you and throw in a second thing for free.

Everybody else is doing so well! Everybody expected you to be doing better- what happened to all that potential? You were once a king and you were once a queen. Strangers snicker on the street because they know that you're a fraud, an awkward experiment in uselessness.

Oh you had it, you had it alright. And you kept it to yourself until it rotted, and even when it festered and its stench began to choke your nostrils, you held on tight and you haven't let go.

You're a waste but it's not too late to make up for lost time; your tits may be sagging and your dick may be limp but you CAN learn to live and love again. You don't need anyone; scientists and pundits agree that this thing increases vital life forces and mystic energy by EXACTLY 57.34% and over 300% of participants reported feeling something different immediately. You'll probably be in the top .000002% who experience exponential brain improvement. We can tell.

You'll marvel at your past stupidity and your slack-jawed complacency. Now when you laugh, you'll finally look like the stock photos you admire. You'll tell stories people want to hear while your smile will inspire suicide of your worthless past.

Stop sabotaging your own success. Start enjoying your life. You make your own path through the jungle, we just give you the tools to clear the brush. Take the credit because you deserve it.

We are the family you never had. We won't treat you like a walking abortion- not after you join the million who use our thing to make them superior to you. You can be better than yourself too.


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my veins freeze

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May Day

'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

'There's a bullet for you, just in case.'

Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…