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He's really.... NICE

I haven't been having an easy time lately. And I can't blame anyone outside myself for my total lack of direction at a time in life that is becoming alarmingly late.

In these times of cruel and paradoxical isolation, I turn to the few but meaningful friendships I have been lucky enough to have despite myself.

Most of my friendships have been with men, out of a fear of competition with other women. I didn't want to get eaten up by jealousy and adhered to the belief that women are simply more prone towards social cruelty then men. I don't think that's true, I just think certain people are more sensitive to social and emotional poisoning. I adhered to a set of beliefs about women SET UP BY MEN. I have been having a difficult time reconciling my past and forgiving myself for catering to something so idiotic.

Anyway, as I have stopped utilizing my sexuality for public validation. I'd like to celebrate myself again but I cannot find the ignorant confidence I once had.

I have also lost a lot of friendships. Now, some of these were meant to be lost. They were undoubtedly one-sided. I would maintain the barest thread of conversation only when I would succumb to loneliness and boredom. And I knew that these individuals needed a word, any word, to have hope explode into a thousand darling daydreams. I was gruesomely at fault within that regard.

However. Once I made my intentions clear, explicitly clear instead of practically explicit, I found that I was met with anger and remarks about my lack of discerning ability. That I, poor lovely empty thing, was missing out on the only savior that the world had left to offer.

The reason I write about this, and I'm still trying to make sense of this and organize this idea of romantic entitlement, is because I had a friend, an ex-friend, tell me to come over and spend the weekend at the beach with him. This is an old friend from college, and since I still don't have anybody out in California, anybody who knew me before I became this congealed lump of static thoughts and useless actions, would be comforting.

Now, I always try to be polite. I've been in many many awkward situations that I diffuse by ignoring how awkward they are. I try to spare the embarrassment of both parties involved.  Now, this guy tells me that IF he hits on me, because he probably will, that I shouldn't be bothered by it and should just say no.

I had made it very clear I have no intentions beyond those of a platonic nature. I had made that explicit. Even if I hadn't, I was shocked to see this incredibly insidious manipulation. You see he expected to be celebrated because he was just being HONEST, which sure, great, it saved me the trouble of having to be stranded two hours away from home while some fat fuck tries to grease up his dick after cursing my name for rejecting him to his face.

I flaked on him, as I do, which I've done as a defense mechanism because I was too polite and too insecure to say "No" or simply to ignore responses. Generally, this has kept me very safe, although spineless.

He wrote me a message asking if it was because of what he had said. Again- this infuriates me because he was well aware of what he was saying. He knew me in college. He's a domineering boisterous person. I tend to agree with anything to minimize conflict. I tend to be terrified of a lack of approval. I also tended to view come-ons as compliments or minimize the awkward moments that followed. I played everything off.

But thankfully, this time, I didn't care. I didn't care if he thought I was a bitch. I didn't have to read anything he wrote.

I realized that this was not a friendship nor would it ever be; I was nothing more than a novelty. And I should be flattered that I would be SO attractive to him. I should be deeply grateful for the fact that he doesn't see the need to control himself or restrain himself in any regard. Because, as he put it, he's 'just a guy.'

Now before you all nice guys tell me I earned it, tell me how you have to suffer through women yapping and get left with scraps.... I want you to realize how fucking stupid you sound. There's nothing wrong with falling in love with a friend. It happens to everyone. However when it happens, you have to respect the fact that your friend may never love you in the same capacity. Either you continue with the friendship or you distance yourself from the friendship in order to protect it. If that needs explaining, I'd be happy to write a separate post for those of you that cannot seem to understand that concept.

You don't think of people in terms of anything more than how they serve you. You consider yourself inferior to your competition so you try to find the more insidious methods to validate yourself. If women are scraps, then you are blood-streaked shit pouring out of a corpse.

And I told a neighbor about this, a guy who happens to be 'a nice guy' that women conspire to shit on.  He tried to defend this man child, explaining that so much time had past and since I had complained to him about some of my rough times, it was only natural as a way in. And because he had to listen to me without fucking my pussy, it means at a later date, it'll be wrapped up for him when he wants it because he was SO NICE.

So... when  I tell you that I got raped, is that another hard-to-get cock-tease code for 'come fuck me big boy'?

Well, well, motherfucker. Let me explain something to you, on the behalf of all people everywhere who have had to deal with this type of individual:

Describing someone as nice ( discounting small children's descriptions of adults) is the same thing as describing a piece of food as edible.

It should go without saying that someone is nice, this is something that is extraordinarily basic and generally necessary. It means that you enjoy and celebrate the success or comfort of another without having yours in mind at all. And even if you DO expect something in return, you also accept the equal and valid possibility that you will get nothing in return and while you might be upset, you also refrain from blaming the other party.

To say someone is MEAN is more of an exception. Mean tends to be more exciting, but is woefully misunderstood. Mean is usually upfront and blundering in its approach; MEAN doesn't have to necessarily have the intent to hurt so much as it has to have the intent to preserve the self. Cruelty would be enjoying the pain inflicted on others while mean is disregarding the comfort of others to protect yourself or insure your comfort isn't questioned or removed. To be mean is usually to be defensive. To be cruel is to solicit pleasure in the results of being mean.

But anyway, NICE people are sphincter plunging fucks. A nice person who uses friendship as a means to a physical end is a dried elephant cock. These are people who abuse the vulnerability and emotional generosity afforded in friendship. What we give to one another in friendship, isn't emotional availability and trust that is usually afforded in other avenues of life. The betrayal of that is all too common but is never less of a shock.

Why is it that we can fashion ourselves surrogate families out of friends? It's necessary for human progress and survival to be part of and ensure the success of our community, no matter how big or how small. And to have someone violate the trust that comes from friendship can be akin to emotional incest. No, I do not AT all equate having a fuckboi try to slobber all over you as the same thing as incest in any means, BUT I do think that there's a familiarity between friends that can mimic the emotional proximity of family members.

 Sex should lead towards an exchange of vulnerability. Vulnerability shouldn't lead to sex, but it does, very easily. These fuckfaced predators take emotional vulnerability as a means to get their dicks marginally wet because they can't see women (or men or whatever you want) as their equal. Other people are just there to fulfill their fantasies.

I have more to say but I'm getting my bearings back in. I know this all over the place and poorly edited, but I need to have somebody read my thoughts again before I go crazy. I know I talk about women, but this is applicable to anyone. Women I think have had more societal pressures to be polite and are thusly more susceptible to this but that all seems to be changing as girls are being reared to stick up for themselves. How NICE!!!


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