Skip to main content

Anti-Sex Tips

Have you gotten yourself into an unsavory sexual situation because you were too polite to tell somebody to fuck right off?

Been there, Girl. Been there.

Cosmo, enough with the sex moves- there's only so much you can do if he's got a small dick. REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH YOU ARCH YOUR BACK, (you know exactly what I'm talking about you little slut) he still has a babydick. Maybe you JUST realized his dick is tiny. That courtesy period was wasted on his micro-penis. It's not going to get any better.

Maybe you realized his hands are weird and small ( Baby-hands? Not in my box, Jack.) Maybe you didn't perceive the depth and persistence of his back hair. Maybe you popped one of his lip-zits when you kissed him.

Listen-You gotta get outta here. Women's magazines do not effectively prepare you for this kind of dickery. The dickery you don't want. You're a sweet girl; you want to leave the boy's ego in one piece. I get that-I fucking RESPECT that. I will help you. Let me help you.

1) Always carry a little vile of shit in your clutch. When you're back at his apartment and you realize he has a small dick, just dab some shit on your neck and cleavage. He will leave and you'll have a swank apartment to stay at for the night. Unless he is homeless. Then it becomes a pheromone. But you shouldn't be fucking homeless guys without protection.

2) When you're dry-humping, get overly aggressive with his package. I mean really yank at it. I mean REALLY jerk it around with purpose. Dig your nails in a little bit. Pretend it's a Chinese Finger trap and you are a panicked child, yanking and pulling with voracious fury. Listen for the suffocated shriek- means you're doing it right.

3) Take your earwax, rub some on your titty. When he goes to suck your titty, he won't. Because you're that nasty bitch with earwax on her titty. And then you can leave with your dignity intact.

4) When he goes down on you, regale him with stories of the days you had a sweaty penis. An enormous sweaty penis.  Tell him about the procedure and spare no detail. Tell him that you keep the extra dick in a jar by your bedside to stay confident.

5) So now he's inside of you, his babydick is inside of you and you don't know what to do. Listen to me baby, listen VERY CAREFULLY... you look him dead in the eye, you don't blink, and you say in a voice that matches the baby of his dick,

 " I love you DAD. You feel so good inside me."

Do not say daddy. Dad, pop-pop, pepaw are all acceptable. Under no circumstance do you say daddy. I love you Dad.  I guarantee that he will pay for your cab. Even if it's at your place. If he asks you stay... bitch you're getting murdered tonight and I cannot help you.

So hopefully you're free now, and you can go cry in the shower as long as you want. But don't forget to  give all the areas he touched a chemical peel. Elsewise your vagina will get soooo fat.

* are you reading these in a stupid voice? Because the entire effect is lost if the voice in your head isn't stupid.


Popular posts from this blog

I Can't Hear Your Little Red Rooster


I call this room Home.

He will not look at me

His eyes flicker with

a speck of violence.

my strained smile,

disgusted by

my pleading eyes.

my veins freeze

icy blood

tearing through coronaries

May Day

'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

'There's a bullet for you, just in case.'

Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…