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Your Hat Looks Stupid.

Excuse me.

You there.

Come here.

I see that you are an attractive young man. You know, in a tight black cut-off shorts kind of way. In a reedy white boy kind of way, with your tank top all hanging off your white boy shoulders.

But I notice that you're also sporting a gray wool hat. In the hot heat. In the summertime. In the very middle of the hottest point of the year. And it's been unusually hot- I'm sure you're aware of global warming at this point. It's been as hot as bulls balls in cashmere panties. Corporations right? Just blowin it. Left and right like a horny tornado.

I would like for you to explain to me this bewildering decision you have made to wear this wool cap. I need to understand why you think that wearing a wool hat in shit hot fucking swamp-ass weather is a good choice.

Oh it's fashionable?

Is it?

I heard giving your dick a stick-and-poke tattoo of Hitler is getting pretty big in Brooklyn-my DJ friend told me so.

I understand accessorizing.

I understand hats! Love the shit out of hats!

But you see, hats are an accessory that look absurd when they're not used for their vague intented functions. It's something you can wear all year round, but come in purposeful varieties that adhere to the appropriate weather conditions.

Tell me, would you wear a sunhat in winter? When it's snowing out, do you step out of your cute little apartment with a sunhat on top of you head, messing up your choppy haircut?

No- because you would look stupid. You would look fucking stupid.

You look equally stupid with a wool hat, cap, or beanie on your head.

Everybody-not just you but gangstas and myopic girls with octogenarian glasses who aren't really myopic ( you gonna rock a wheel chair when that gets trendy?). Anybody but Arctic explores with polar bear trauma issues should absolutely avoid wearing a wool fucking cap when its billions of degrees outside.

So unless you become homeless and insane, and none of that stupid train kid fake homeless nonsense, and start drinking piss out of public toilets I beseech you to take your wool cap off you shit-eating hipster needle-dick trust fund fuck.

Here's my number-

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