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New Colloquialisms

Hotter than the Devil's Asshole in a Furnace

Madder than a transexual badger in a fitting room

If you can't milk the cow, point a gun to its head.

When the going gets rough, sandpaper it.

Absence makes the heart wander farther and forget to write.

You can lead a horse to water and it'll still kick you in the face because it's thirsty.

A turnip bares a turnip but never admits it-Bitch you are a goddamn turnip. .

What's done is done-so don't do it.

A whore's home is where your heart is.

Alls well in Roswell if you wear your tinfoil hat.

A boy in the hand isn't worth two in your bush.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and neither was your internet history.


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'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

'There's a bullet for you, just in case.'

Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…