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Oh HI!

I didn't see you there, even though we clearly made eye contact. I thought you were a guy I knew-yes biblically, always biblically, but I definitely didn't know it was you.

I'm pretty sure you thought I did see you but I totally didn't- what a big cunt I'd be if I just pretended to ignore you, considering how fascinating your fantastic life tends to be. Even if I'm on fire at an abortion clinic, I'll take a seat and make sure you are heard before any of my guttural yelps or burning fetuses are called to attention. 

Well, its been such a long time since we've gotten a chance to catch up. You look great. What have you been doing with your life?

You have a six figure salary out of school already? I'm so HAPPY for you, I could rip your face off and feed it to malicious pigs- it's just an expression.  But really that's just GREAT. Really really super great.

No I'm not crying- just the ol winter allergies molesting my eyeballs ha ha ha.

Oh me? Oh well I have a part-time job- yeah oh yeah I know I've been out of school for more than a year now, but let me tell you something bub- nothing screams rewarding like loud and incoherent children who shit themselves. Those big beautiful eyes- so innocent, never to betray that offensively noxious smell wafting from their ass-molded mild diarrhea. Did I mention that there's an adult bookstore right across the street from the playground? Don't get jealous. Not everybody gets a chance to weep in shame with a lady boner 30 seconds after finishing their shift.

Oh you're engaged? Oh and they have a trustfund and a few charities to write off? Well that's just motherskullfucking fantastic for you! Oh are they a model too? Oh with real gravity defying titties and a PhD in engineering? I could string you up in a butcher's shop I'm so just... GLAD to hear that everything is going well for you- Oh and you two just bought a boat? I've got boat shoes! How marvelously convenient.

You might as well just fuck my face right off my brain bones!

Oh me?

Well... I went to the gas station the other day and the cashier asked me if I was pregnant because of my "glow". So that's good- still got it after all these years hahahaaaa....

Oh my titties? Yes, as a matter of fact, they did grow- as did my ass thighs and waist. I think my hair might be falling out too but I've got so much of it that it really isn't that big of a problem. I'm about a half-step away from collecting my shaved trimmings anyway.

I know my pants are off. I know we're in public- is it getting to hot to handle or are you just mesmerized by my awkwardly situated razor burn?

Do you have to go? Really? So soon? But we've only just gotten started and my hand isn't even on your crotch yet.

Well it was really GREAT seeing you again anyway. I honestly hope you get run over by a bus and then sold into sex slavery as a disfigured and boring paraplegic novelty item.

It's an old world saying- translated it means " May the sun boil the asshairs off your swollen taint and bring you thousands of hours of joy"

Oh by the way, before you go, can you go buy me a couple hundred cans of dust-off? They banned me from the store last week.

Thanks. You're a real sport. 


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'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

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