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To Catch a Teen Mom

My bloated ass is ornery tonight.

I'm navigating the Shart Limbo poorly ( took a gamble and lost- I'll explain the concept of the Shart Limbo in further detail in a different post) and I've discovered something terrible and disgusting that has made my previous cynicism look like a marshmallow kitten.

So all this awful has got me sitting watching Dateline and musing on how well Chris Hansen can wear a brown turtle neck while reading off transcripts about cat fucking and smirnoff ice enemas, when it dawned on me that I have a new opportunity to make tens of millions of dollars.

These guys. These predators that get caught, they're pretty awful people. But they're people folks; and besides, they only take the bait because the faux 13 year old is egging them on with their darling ignorance of cock sucking along with their sumptuous curiosity of hairy tongues dora the exploring their clitginas. If you're some foreign ass 25 year old virgin, this is the very best that America has to offer.

Anyway, once these guys get out of jail, they probably can't find a date. So they're going to be back online, soliciting tweens with awkward pictures of their naked bodies. It's a vicious cycle that's only going to result in blue balls- no tween is actually going to tongue juggle a grundle. Not unless you look like a gay vampire.

So I want to set up a dating sight for all the former predators. The rabbis, the teachers, the puffy looking bald men, the pakistani technicians, the naked chef, every single last perverted fuck deserves love. Or a zipless fuck. Same thing.

I'll set them up on dates with my state of the art logarithm, which will pair them with the right MTV teen mom. The pregnant ones too. Because sexy starts at conception.

That way, at least the girls they're trying to fuck are mature enough to pop out a baby. And then those girls will find that blackmail will start to pay the bills better than any degree from Devry (Coppin State for those little genius sluts). So they can be free to give old fashions behind Denny's to save up for their pill habits.

It takes care of every problem. Tweens are free to roam the internet and explore their slutuality without getting molested in real time, while those teen moms get the attention and financial security from old pedophiles.

Film the matches in black and white, mute the sound, add some subtitles and slap on an avant-garde jazz soundtrack and it's motherfucking gold. It'll skyrocket me out of Shart Limbo straight into This Bitch town.

Always Be Closing.

(But keep your whore legs open for mama.)


  1. I think you meant 'algorithm', not 'logarithm'... (?) Sorry. Don't mean to sound like the semantics police or detract from your message.
    Just thought the distinction was important (I'm a math nerd, I guess). x{


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