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Showing posts from January, 2012

The Shart Limbo- You Gambled and Lost.

Come, take my hand and let me show you a world you've probably never seen before. Or maybe you just passed through and glanced at it from the window then decided there were better places for a Bed and Breakfast.


I live in a space-time place that I have deemed the Shart Limbo. It's a combination of the doldrums, limbo, and an existential shart that dumped you right smack dab in the middle of it with no way out, no reception and no wifi. But there is a Starbucks. And outside of that Starbucks is a homeless woman with one solid fake tooth begging you for money. And you feel like a dick walking in to buy your red eye while the change makes an effort to jingle in your pocket.

For those of you unaware of the technical definition of a shart, let me be the first to welcome you to this choice piece of knowledge. A shart is a fart with unintended consequences. That is to say that while you were crop dusting, you shit your pants. No one is immune to the shart; some just have the good for…

Not Your Momma's Rape Van

A little big part of me wants to be adopted by a gang of maternal lesbians comprised of an even number of butches and fems with the lead going by Pistol Clit (Because of the hormones. Clit Dick to pistol whip with).


I'd like to be walking down a deserted street, admiring the extent of the soapbox shit my mouth spits, inadequate and hobo tacky, wearing a man's jacket who I have never slept with. I look up at the black iron railings of southern buildings and picture celebrity "O" faces in the clouds.


Then an unmarked van with an anime porn-star on the side of it would screech to a halt and a big burly arm would slam the door open and yank me inside by the hood of my jacket. Pistol Clit has the kind of handshake you don't fuck around with. Sugar-Tits can't leave the van without lipstick. Scissor Shaker keeps her hand on your seat when you call fives. Bitch Cassidy hides sugar-free candy in her dreads. Albino Allie terrifies children but has a blank prescription …

Movie Magic

The picket fence is always white
and the paint never chips. 

Frost never bites the plastic garden,
and supper is always ready at 7.

Eyes like dinner plates watering
with wishes for roses on the doorstep. 

Glued to the screen
Technicolor perfection
Made a cardboard house a home
while the rain melts the rafters. 


To Catch a Teen Mom

My bloated ass is ornery tonight.

I'm navigating the Shart Limbo poorly ( took a gamble and lost- I'll explain the concept of the Shart Limbo in further detail in a different post) and I've discovered something terrible and disgusting that has made my previous cynicism look like a marshmallow kitten.


So all this awful has got me sitting watching Dateline and musing on how well Chris Hansen can wear a brown turtle neck while reading off transcripts about cat fucking and smirnoff ice enemas, when it dawned on me that I have a new opportunity to make tens of millions of dollars.

These guys. These predators that get caught, they're pretty awful people. But they're people folks; and besides, they only take the bait because the faux 13 year old is egging them on with their darling ignorance of cock sucking along with their sumptuous curiosity of hairy tongues dora the exploring their clitginas. If you're some foreign ass 25 year old virgin, this is the very best that…

The Horror

Sometimes you stumble upon something you wish didn't exist. Your mouth becomes a desert while your heart stops to reassure itself and your mind makes room for the thing you've seen.

A dream? Yes. It must be.

The bile that swells like a yellow tide burns the pink of your stomach that fell to the floor.  This isn't even a nightmare.


Reality relishes the pleasure of suffocating your fantasy.

Sight has no regard for the comfort of denial.

Respectable Men

A degenerate shit
will only surprise you
with the best of themselves.

Beneath deplorable faces,
wounded virtue sleeps restlessly. 

But a respectable man
is worth the rot of his
malignant soul,
perpetually vested by
the silk at his breast.

They believe in 
the undisputed entitlement
of their indiscretion,
authorized salacious
by their bloated salaries.

Respectable men
are the filthiest fucks.

The Accident

He didn't know exactly at what point in the night it happened. He just woke up wet. Cold piss all over the sheets. He had put off washing them for weeks, dusting the crumbs off his pillow when he could remember that he had eaten something stale. He couldn't put it off any longer. Bruce had pissed the bed.

He didn't have any quarters. Looking past the crack in the bathroom door, the bathtub seemed like the only sensible solution to remedy his unintended release without risking the curiosity of strangers at the Laundromat.

Last time he got sick, he didn't make it to the toilet. The tub was his porcelain nurse, and he had left his stomach to dry in the drain that was already clogged with his newly receding hairline. He didn't even bother to turn on the water. He just crawled back to bed and forgot about it. He told himself he would take care of it in the morning. When morning dawned on him, he went to the kitchen and washed his face in the sink, dripping soap on a tow…

White Sky

Every raindrop

breaking on

the sidewalk

brings out the ghost

of you inside of me.


When the sun

quits the city,

your name is

painted underneath

the white sky.

The Bird and The Bee

Once upon a time,

there was a Bee who got sick

off of Bird shit and lost a wing.


Flying lopsided, the Bee ran into

a Bird who couldn't fly straight

because it got sick off

of some nasty Bee shit.


They fell to the ground,

a little bit dirty and a little bit confused,

found a drink and drank it together,

then realized that the only thing to do

was to sew their fucked up wings together.


They did and they flew.

They became a Beerd.

The first Beerd in history-


The now have a contract

to document their sex lives

on a reality show on E!


Moral: A lame duck always has a story worth televising.

8509

If my heart
were a home,
arson would
have arrested 
the quiet nest. 

Careless tenants 
locked the door,
let the stove burn 
to collect their
insurance.

Piss on the walls
Black wood
skeleton frame-
New bricks are
on their way.

SWAG

I can't control my SWAG- it just does what it do and it do what it does and it is what it do when it do what it does.
My SWAG do right because if my SWAG did wrong it ain't would be do at ALL. 


Heads Up Honky -
(Crackassprairiedoglookinmuhfucka)
When I walk around and my SWAG gets turned up to 11, cuz I got that michael jackson pussy-poppin shit when I listen to that deceased muhfucka, it fucks yo baby momma and yo baby in the backseat of a a platinum school bus. Jaws don't just drop; they break like broken-ass ice skates.
Don't be tryna talk to me when I got my SWAG on, 
I got it LOUD and your ass is soft-spoken like a bitch.
My SWAG make yo bootyhole pop up open like a popcorn kernel 
My SWAG is so bad, it punches your dick in the face.
Now bend on over and let my SWAG rub your grundle with scented oil while I smoke 16 cuban cigars filled with 17 kinds of bud and let my microphone drop right down into your donut smile. 
Oh. U MAD?
Talkin bout my SWAG ho- you can't even begi…