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Using Mommy/Daddy Issues to Litmus Test Your Piece of Ass

Ah Bitch, you have to trust me because I've done everything wrong.

Process of elimination cabron- I know exactly what you need to do and I'm going to tell you because I love perpetuating other people's love. It makes my shitty cynicism (cynishitism, if you will) pop a tent.


Here's what you have to do, men, women, transmen transwomen:


You gotta figure out the mommy daddy issues.


First thing you ask a girl, " How was your relationship with your father?" and vice versa. Well maybe do it a bit classier than that, so she doesn't wedge her wedges in your ball meat.

Then you take your own mommy or daddy issues and line em up really good and see if you'll be compatible. You basically figure out what kind of crazy you will most likely end up exposing yourself to over the course of time. Not a bad thing. Think of it as a question that works the same way the SATs work for college admissions.


So say you're a girl who had a father who spoiled the shit out of you all the time. A super cherish-y kind of dad. That's a couple of things. You probably feel that you are owed  unconditional affection and praise from all men you've ever met.  And if you're a beautiful girl without empathy- shit is terrible. But go on, you inherit the earth before the meek get at the crumbs.

Or none of the men will ever live up to Daddy. No man will love you like Daddy can, unless he looks a little bit like your dad probably.

If you had an absent father, you're just constantly trying to prove yourself to men as worthwhile and deserving of recognition and when that doesn't happen, you end up resenting men and eventually despising them because you are also trying to find a metaphor for your father in every man you meet. And your dad was a dick. So you're going after dicks, to make up for that dick ignoring you. Always keep in mind that your taste and preferences are usually what fuck you over, rather than an entire sex.  ( But guys are assholes and I'm sowing my pussy up shut anyway.)


Now for mens... women, beware of a man who hates his mother.  Distant is one thing. An ice queen is awful and it gives way to a desperate need for female approval and probably a love of big pairs of matronly titties to nourish his little boy soul. But a man who hates his mother is going to hate you, even if he loves you. There's a subconscious desire to destroy women if you start off with a bad mother who fucks you up in the head. I get that though. There are some awful moms and awful dads out there.


And then the overbearing mom, who is half in love with her son. Girl... you'll never be good enough. Ever, mama made sure of that when her baby started growing up. He'll love you second best, but it sure beats getting beat up by the momma hater.

ANYWAY- this is much longer than I wanted it to be but basically just use your common sense and figure out how your significant other clarifies their unavoidable Oedipal and Electra complexes by their words and actions.


Of course if you had loving perfect parents then.... fuck off.  You're only half as interesting as the rest of us damaged goods. Get the fuck off the discount shelf.

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