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Camel Toe: The Magazine ( Patent Pending )

I never thought I would find inspiration in Cosmo, (other than being inspired to think up of various euphemisms for genitals) but I did.


I'd like to start a magazine as a counterpart to Cosmo- Camel Toe.


You see, Cosmo is marketed towards fun and fearless females. Fashionistas and go-getting sassy gals who can ride a dick like an Indian Prince rides an elephant. Women who have careers and a vibrator. Wonderful women. Women with their shit not only together, but rose-scented and tinted magenta-lavender.


Camel Toe would be a magazine for bitter, overweight, desperate but uselessly hopeful women. This is a magazine for the generation of girls who grew up reading and believing the Twilight Myth, only to grow up into stern-faced secretaries who only have their abortion receipt to remind them of their love affair with a pale cannibalistic vampire-wannabe.  This is a magazine that will serve to provide more accurate and all-inclusive illusions for the pathetically delusional.


So instead of delving into the various style options of the season, I'll have a section devoted to finding the best possible bargains from the Ross discount rack. I'll go over a myriad of sweatpant styles, to find the most unflattering one. I'll give helpful tips on how to make your cat love you more ( "rub tuna on your body parts for a purr-fect night in") We'll have a Ben and Jerry's Flavor of the month.

Instead of embarrassing moments, I'll just have ladies write in their most successful blind dates ( "He kissed me and he waited till AFTER the date to vomit. I'll never forget his chivalry. )


The photo spread will have leather-skined grandmas posing in spanx, sitting on the lap of a very fit homosexual man. Jiffy pop in one hand, Virginia slim in the other.

I'll give advice on how to hag properly and where you can hang out to snag a gay best friend. I'll give you a top ten on lean-cuisine dinners.  Then, we can talk about how your mother screwed you up. We won't even bother with sex tips, but I can teach you how to bedazzle your vibrator.


Ladies isn't like the Ladies we supposed to be. Ladies get their dreams assaulted and destroyed- And I speak for them when I'm not seducing their husbands.

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