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Real Talk-Fucking Up.

I actually know exactly what I was smoking when I thought this through.


Crack. I was smoking crack.



Because now, you see, I'm fucked. Royally. Exquisitely. Fantastically and undoubtedly so.


For my haters, please take this opportunity to rejoice in the absolute clusterfuck of mistakes I have made to lead myself down a path of apathy and stillborn hope.

And  if that isn't enough, I got fat. Tigger Bitties. But fatter also. A good nice solid layer of mayonnaise and self-loathing.  Have some. Throw it up- get some more.

It's for you, I'm miserable for all the people that want someone else to be miserable- more miserable- than they are. Or just for people who don't like me. That's fine. I'm glad that I'm your outlet- I would also hate me passionately but I can't because I'm good-looking.


Let me say it like this. IF you're poor, grew up poor, or sick, or your mama's sick, or you live in a place governed by dictatorship, or you got touched, or you got beaten, or your baby daddy/momma sucked your best friend's dick/ tongue tickled her clit- it's not your fault.


It's not! You actually have the luxury of blaming circumstance, if you want to. And you wouldn't. You have things to worry about. You have to eat. You have to stab a dick. You have to get to the hospital- you don't have the time to worry about the shit condition of your shit life.


But I do. You see, I have the means to dwell on my shit life. But that's really... not even... an issue. My shit life is an Albanian child-whore's dream life.


But I fucked my life up. I did it all by myself. Can't blame my parents. Can't blame school. Can't blame the people I hung out with or anything like that. I grew up alright, I didn't get touched, mama ain't sick, i grew up in America for the most part, I'm not pregnant and I can generally keep small talk going for long enough that people think it's big talk.

So I really can't even begin to blame circumstance. You starving bastards down in wherever... lucky sons of bitches- I don't wish I were you but I wish I could just chalk it up to existence cutting me a raw deal.


I finished school. No job. I am still just as in love with a young man as I was a year or two ago although now I live farther away from him than the entire time I spent wrapped up in my own weird ideas that didn't really have much to do with him. In hindsight, opiates didn't really help me out other than convincing me of his knavish intentions. In foresight, I'd love some free morphine.


I love you- don't meet somebody else. Fuck whores. Fuck everybody. Don't meet somebody like me- don't wake up and realize that somebody like me is a nobody you'd want to meet. I love you-COME ON-Just... don't fall in love with somebody better.


Don't. Just... wait a little longer, while I fix this mess. And by fix... I mean kidnap my way to fortune. And then we can go on a nice little vacation, just the two of us.


I won't fuck it up.

Comments

  1. Someone showed me this blog like 2 years ago, i think i had a class with you at umd, but yeah I randomly just searched for it, been reading through and what you are saying right here is precisely how I feel! I am in the same situation, Its like you took the thoughts right out of my head... anyway keep expressing yourself I love it!

    p.s. you're not fat

    ReplyDelete
  2. First time posting, but essentially what matt said.

    If you're really still truly hung up on this guy, the best of luck on getting him.

    If you're not 110% absolutely sure, I'd say move on, you deserve a guy you don't have to essentially beg for. A guy who would just take you here and now, for your mind just as much as your body. Unfortunately that won't be able to happen until you're emotionally available.

    ReplyDelete

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