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Cosmo sex tip #89 (Vol.251, No.6)

Cosmo sex tip #89:"Get pleasure from his feet (really): Lie down, legs apart, with your guy standing above you. He should then use his (clean!) big toe to stimulate your clitoris."

Cosmo, I'm all about you. I have been all about your hot tips since I was 13 years old. I still remember the Latin Lovers special and the little blurb of advice you gave me about sucking off a delectable Hispanic man with hot coffee in your mouth.

I never felt particularly keen about wasting coffee, but I don't want to half-ass this sassy trick with cheap beans, so I'm waiting on Mr. Right. I'm sure he's easy to find, provided you've chemically altered your standards to a properly insignificant factor.

Unless you're a lazy and compulsory masturbator. In which case, Mr. Right is second best to your right hand. (Left if you feel like being violated)

But I digress. I got this issue of Cosmo because I want to earnestly and eagerly learn how to improve the allure of my loins. You see, since my loins grew and my heart didn't, I haven't been feeling very sexy at all. In fact, about 60% of me believes that I have honestly forgotten how to have proper sex. The other 40% just thinks about mayonnaise all day long. Passionately.

Cosmo has some great tips- It does! I learned about the taint massage, the fingernails on the ass cheeks during a blowjob, the varieties of blowjob methods, safely practicing reverse cowgirl without breaking a dick, how to break a dick, how to deal with a sassy pussy, how to make a teeny peeny feel a bit less teeny, why my period makes me tired and why my boobs get sore- all kinds of stuff.

But I draw the line at getting toe'd. I do not ever want to get toe'd... the fact that you have to "really" me with parentheses is already a warning signal to be heeded with conspicuous attention.

I mean... I have awful toes. Terrible mean and unsexy feet. It's not like I do much- they're just beaten and bruised; sick and tired of the laughing world. They are the feet of a woman's dream deferred.

A man's feet cannot be much better than my own. Especially not the men I like- straight men.

Gay men might have beautiful feet- And as such, those beautiful and carefully pedicured toes may bless a graceful and sweetly puckered asshole without any indecent amount of anxiety or self-conscious doubt.

The man I want to have sex with all the time does not have nice feet. I haven't checked, but I would be alarmed if he had hairless feet that tasted of ambrosia bathed in marigolds. Toenails too- I don't care how clean your feet are, you got some weird ass toenails and I am not trying to get my vagina vaginoplastied before 25.

So yes, I will take ice cubes and force whatever gentleman I might be keen on to take a cramped bath with me while I keep dropping them in the warm dirty water. Yes I will watch porn with you and squirm uncomfortably as a girl in a latex nurse outfit receives a whipped cream enema. I'll even slide a candy necklace around my thigh and have you nibble it off, then tongue out whatever piece you bit-half that fell into my half-way bits.

But you gotta be muthafuckin insane to think I'm gonna let a man toe me.

What's next?

Cosmo sex tip 121: "Feeling full after a big meal? Just take a horse laxative and squat on his chest while he plays with anal beads- Nothing is more intimate than scatological sexy time. Bonus Points for quickie weight loss!"


  1. In before cosmo redacts the last bit for violating copyright. WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT 121?????

  2. First off: I have nothing but yeses for your name.

    Second: Cosmo steals all of its information from yours truly.

  3. It will be true that Women need powerful orgasms in order to totally enjoy sex. A secluded beach or forest can be a great place for fun sex.


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