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Dream #56: The Disneyland/world.

I don't have any kids.


But if I did, I'd finally have a reason to go to Disneyland. Or Disneyworld. I don't really know which one is better, I figure both of them have a lot of vomit and alcoholic furries running around and sweating vodka and shame.


I would very much like to go to Disneyland with a man. I'd also like that man to help me kidnap a couple orphans. The cool ones. The ten year olds who chain smoke unfiltered cigarettes and fuck 17 year olds. We may have to go to Eastern Europe to find the coolest ones.  This man of mine would understand that under no circumstance can the coolness of these orphans be compromised. This man of mine would pay for the trip to Albania.


Once we have our orphans, we would barter with a crocodile farmer for his van. All our money would be gone, so we would have to trade in an orphan for our set of slick-ass wheels. Preferably the ugly one.

Once we have our van in order, we would stop at various music festivals and raves. We'd dress the kids up like psychedelic oompa loompas and maybe even a tie-dye human centipede so that they could steal wallets and pills. They could steal other things if they want, but they better have at least 300 wallets for me and my man. Or else we leave them there with all those neo-hippies and e-tards to stroke them raw.

Once we have our stolen wallets and a sack full of pills, we could head off to that magic ass castle, where we would bribe the concierge with coupons and child-brides (we'd have about 3 kids left at this point. One of them will have undoubtedly been eaten by one of Rufus's crocodiles). We would get to stay in a beautiful suite for pennies on the dollar.

I don't really like rollercoasters or wasted princesses, but boy, those kids would be delirious with joy. And even if they weren't, we'd give them enough molly and xanax to send them back to their orphanage in a cargo plane without a single complaint.

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