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Conspiracy Theory: Osama and Strauss-Kahn

Let me explain what happened:

First off, Osama's not dead. Osama has been chilling in Italy with Berlusconi having bunga-bunga parties with well over 72 whores. Proof: Where's the death certificate/photograph of his brain matter? Zactly. Pakistan, shamikistan; he was living in a Tuscan villa, subletting from George Clooney.


Strauss-Kahn is not a womanizer. That's a facade. He's a bottom and he loves it, but he knows that won't get him to where he needs to be in politics. He's a manimizer but that doesn't sit well with French constituents. We might have a gay mayor in Paris but for the most part, we like our presidents to lick the pussy juice off their baguettes, not smear man paste on their croissants.  Anyway, Osama was in New York at the same time as Strauss-Kahn, because the Jersey Shore crew was using his place for a few goomba syphilis parties and it was going to be a while before the place was fully fumigated.


So Osama knew where to get the good shit, and the good shit got got and he's fucked too many bitches for it to be exciting anymore. He needed a little man action to feel like a man. It's like the same logic behind prison rape; he was going to show this little Jew that he was a Prophet. But you know, it's consensual. Strauss-Kahn, head of the IMF, has to be submissive because he's always dominant in his affairs.

So Strauss-Kahn got a phone call and he just ran out of his good shit, so he had been free basing cialis all night and couldn't fucking wait for Osama to get there. Just as the meth smoke clears and Osama is unbuckling his belt, looming over a dripping wet and terribly excited Strauss-Kahn, the maid walks in.

Panic ensues. Strauss-Kahn rushes towards the maid, with a giant erection and Osama just turns into a bat and flies out the window, because he's also a vampire. Instead of having his pal Osama get in trouble, as well as the U.S. government, Strauss-Kahn sacrifices his good reputation by paying off the maid to tell the press that she was raped.

And that is exactly what has happened and how it happened and you can rest easy come rapture o'clock that you finally know the truth.

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