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How I will put the kid to bed

Me: Alright Spoons, did you take your bath?

Spoons: Yes Mommy.

Me: Okay, did you use the brillo pad? And don't call me that. It's childish.

Spoons: What do I call you?

Me: That's not the point. Brillo or no?

Spoons: Brillo.

Me: Good Job sweet pea. You want me to read you a story?

Spoons: Yes mommy please!

Me: What did you just call me?

Spoons: um... Ms. Frere?

Me: A liar and stupid... wow Spoons... no wonder your daddy left us.

Spoons: Didn't daddy leave because you were mud wrestling with grandpa and grandma for penthouse magazine? And then grandpa and grandma died in the mudpit? And you tried to sue them anyway? Because you said their wrinkles made you look fat?

Me: No he left because of you. Don't be stupid...he can't leave again now that he's gone, so you better start trying to get smart if you want him to come back.

(Spoons sobs)

Me: Don't cry about it. Are you crying? Why are you crying?! You big puss, grow a pair.

Spoons: A pair of what?

Me: a pair of pears. Nevermind. I WAS going to read you all the Harry Potter books-

Spoons: YAY-

Me: SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH... I said WAS going to... but you ruined it for yourself. I got so frustrated with your shenanigans that I can't read anymore. Ever again.

Spoons: You can't read?

Me: No. I'm illiterate now. What am I supposed to tell my boss now Spoons, huh? Mommy's going to have to turn tricks for bald men now Spoons...

Spoons: You said Mommy, Mommy!

Me: No I didn't, and I swear to God Spoons, I SWEAR to God, if you call me Mommy one more time, I will tell the saber toothed vaginas under your bed to eat your face at night.

Spoons: What's a vagina?

Me: It's what cursed me to have you here ANNOYING me.

Spoons: Like voldemort?

Me: Yes. Like voldemort.

Spoons: They live under my bed?

Me: They do. They eat your naughty thoughts. Then they attack.

Spoons: Noo I'm scared, Momm-Ms. Frere, don't go!

Me: Spoons. It's fine. Look, I have a rooster here with me for a reason. I'll leave him here tonight, and he'll protect your from the saber toothed vaginas.

Spoons: He's kina loud...

Me: And you're kinda stupid but I love you more than life itself.  Goodnight my silver Spoon...

Spoons: Goodnight Mommy...

Me: Really Spoons? Really?


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