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There is nothing quite so unpleasant as having to take responsibility for your actions and desires. The easiest thing to do is to take a situation in which you have acted poorly and blame every and any external factors for the negative outcome. Your parents or your lover or the weather or the intricate deficiencies of society.

I want nothing more in the world than to blame you. If I could convince myself to regard you with indifference or better yet, paint you as a villain, I would be without any reason to form a damning opinion of your persons. And perhaps you are nothing more than an elegant criminal, subtly outlining my heart in chalk before placing a loaded gun in my sleeping hand.

Yet I cannot, in good faith, blame the consequences of my pithy suffering on you alone, though you came close to destroying me completely. I committed crimes of silence, and I am still struggling to repay my debt.

I don't want to explain myself; I know I am a coward and you are a never ceasing thought that crosses the boundaries of my memory. I claim to be helpless to the wayward times we spent, because I am painfully hesitant to admit that I don't want to forget you.


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my veins freeze

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May Day

'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

'There's a bullet for you, just in case.'

Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…