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Mission Statement.

Undoubtedly, I was born too do good.

But listen. I can't afford to take care of stranger's financial needs right now. I can barely meet my own, and besides, people need to learn to stop on relying on material things. So what if you haven't eaten in a week? Use your imagination, lazy puss.

I can, however, teach you how to be pretentious regardless of your social class and surroundings.

First off, pink up. always. If you're holding a dead raccoon or a plastic cup filled to the brim with Andre, you better make damn sure the last finger is stuck as high as it can possibly go into the air.

Second off, grab a dictionary. Look up some fancy words. Memorize them. Use them whenever. People will be too embarrassed to ask what it means if it's obscure enough. And most people will assume you know better, because of your extensive vocabulary. Loquacious can mean whatever you want it to mean.

Ask people to spell phlegm. Laugh at them when they misspell it. Or act overly sympathetic.

Practice a look of disgust in the mirror. Wear it out. It goes with every pair of shoes.

Whatever somebody says, one up them. Even if they're talking about their dead friend, mention you have two dead friends. Don't let nobody one up you ever. They got the clap? You got a standing ovation.

It doesn't matter if you're in a trailer park, or you live in a van down by the river, you can always act better than somebody, even if it isn't true, so long as you believe it.


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