A girl (G)
Her Mother (M)
Her Father (F)
Her Friend (FR)
Her Lover (L)
Her Roommate (R)
( Hospital room blinding white. Several moments of silence. The girl is in bed and the rest of the cast is around her, waiting. She wakes up. It takes her a minute to register her current situation. Bandages are on her wrists. )
G: Oh no...not this again.
M: Oh no?!
M: OH NO?!
G: (to herself) Jesus, you let me down again you son of a bitch...
F: Calm down sweetheart, she just woke-
M: Did you just say...oh..no?
G: I did.
M: You're alive. Breathing. ALIVE. You could have died.
G: (shocked) I could have WHAT?!
M: DIED! The paramedics said that if-
F: Your mom, you know...she was sobbing the whole way here. Sobbing. Loudly. Really loudly. I had to listen to her sobbing. Loudly. You know how loud she was sobbing?
G: Was it...loudly?
F: (firmly)YES. Doesn't that mean anything to you?
G: Well it wouldn't have, if you had let me do what I intended.
F: Doesn't it mean something now?
M: Oh nothing means a THING to that one...I don't know how we could...I mean did I do this to her?
G: You did. You most certainly did.
F: (hissing) Stop that!
G: No, Dad...Dad...Mom did it. I was there, in my bathtub, listening to Mariah Carey, smelling candles and feeling like a princess when all of a sudden, she just waltzes in with a steak knife and before you know it, she's stabbing me in my wrists! Mind you I was NAKED, so that's implied psychosexual perversion on top of poor mothering.And now I'm here and she's coming in accusing me-
M: THAT'S NOT TRUE!
G: She's crazy dad. CRAZY. I swear, she came in and she... ( at this point, her mother starts sobbing, loudly, next to her father) Oh...oh-no...mom...mom I just wanted to lighten the mood- she didn't actually do it dad.
F: I know that. ( turns to his wife) I knew that, I was just...really shocked that she would say that
M: I just...what did I do wrong? I put you in ballet. I put you in soccer. Girlscouts. Oh my god I put you in everything! You were golden! Every mom in the neighborhood was jealous! Now they don't even have me over for the bi-monthly Shakespeare readings! AND THAT'S ALL I HAD! A BACHELOR'S IN FINE ARTS AND MY GODDAMN READINGS!! Why would you ruin m-your life like this?
G: Well I wasn't trying to RUIN it. I was trying to end it.
G: Oh...for a laugh. Attention I guess. This is at least as funny as The George Lopez Show.
F: (attempting to discipline his daughter)ENOUGH! IT IS NOT! First off, that show isn't funny, so what you just said right there totally does not explain and fails to elaborate as to why you would try to drown yourself in your own bathtub...So how about that Pessimistic Polly? ( wholly satisfied with himself)
G: Ah...you got me dad. As per usual, you got me good.
( Her roommate pushes her dad out of the way and hugs the girl who attempts to pat her on the back, but gives up and endures the bare arms of her awkward embrace. She holds on a bit too long and lets go)
R: OH GOD! I WAS SO WORRIED!
G: Well then why would you try to kill me again?
R: Oh no! No I was just-
G: Kidding. Enough about me though. How are you? Really, I've been worried.
R: Oh! I'm fine! I just got...ENGAGED! EEEEE( shoves her ring finger in the girl's face)
G: Well How ABOUT that?! Congratulations! (turns to face the people around the bed) Hey, Hey everyone! She's engaged! Well gosh I am so glad I got to live to see the day-
R: Oh my god, you should have been there! It was last night, we were leaving Diary Queen-hey actually I invited you...why...didn't you text back? That's kind of rude you know, I went with you to the Abortion clinic when you needed a ride there and gas was super expensive but I-
G: Yes, to...petition against Abortion. Of course.
R: No that's-
G: AS FOR WHY ( glaring at her roommate) I didn't come, well I was taking a bath.
R: You were taking a bath? You...OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY!
G: Oh it's okay honey, you're engaged!
R: I KNOW!! It's just...I've never been happier for myself!
G: Gosh and I've never been happier for yourself either!
G: Yeah. And I'm sorry I didn't reply to your text.
R: It's okay...so why..I mean this is the second time-
G: Woah woah woah...SECOND time?
R: Well yeah, remember? The first time we found you foaming at the mouth with a bunch of sleeping pills and your head in the oven.And this is the second time-
G: SECOND time?! This is the first time I actually intended on killing myself! That time was just...a minimalist art piece.
R: I didn't see a painter.
M: Or a photographer
F: Or a filmmaker.
G: I said MINIMALIST art piece
R: I still don't get why your head would-
R: Oh yeah-ha right! Yeah I see it now. I didn't get it before but you know Ricky is actually a pretty big art fan and he's been teaching me so much about art. I feel like I could go on Oprah and talk about art because of Ricky...he's so artistic.
G: Well...I don't know if flames on a camerro count as art, exactly...
R: He put them on HIMSELF
R: (Proudly) Himself.
G: And look at me! Mistaking his mind for a lost terd that wandered into a hairless cavernous skull...No wonder I tried for a SECOND...you've just snatched the last good man that ever did walk this green earth.
R: I KNOW!
F: You know, if you had a man-
G: I'd name him Boris and ride him around town like a bear.
M: THAT'S WHY I'LL NEVER HAVE GRANCHILDREN
G: Oh mom, I'm sure Boris would be a verile kind of guy. I'd make sure he had the kind of sperm that could nuke Chernobyl again. You know,I've always dreamed of having my uterus explode for the sake of another pair of miserable chubby legs hobbling and shitting around my apartment.
R: Our apartment.
G: (Looks at her. Just looks at her.) Yes. Our apartment.
M: That's enough of your...vulgarity. (Sincerely) Really though, what happened to you?
To be continued...tomorrow (today)