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Showing posts from February, 2010


Today, not only did I become a woman
I became an American. 

I didn't need to take an oath to become a citizen;
I just needed to get my hands on a pair of 
tight grey Abercrombie and Fitch sweatpants.

I feel like every-slut today.
I feel like I could drink gallons of beer
And then have sex with some dudebro
with a sic sic sic gnar tribe tat

I feel like I could rock that vera bradley quilt bag
And a pair of pink uggs
With my hair back while I'm
talking on my Smart Phone

My ass is super enhanced in all of it's white-girl glory.

And if I do get a letter that threatens my deportation because I didn't take care of my paperwork, I'll just stroll in wearing my sweatpants and they'll apologize for mistaking me for a foreigner. 

Ashley: The One That Got Away

Ashley was a coke dealer. Ashley was a man named Ashley. He was not italian but he looked italian and sometimes it would help him out to say he was. With the ladies you know. 

He had, in addition to a perfect sphere of a stomach dripping with curly oily hair, an oily jet black mustache. An exquisitely groomed mustache. A more handsome mustache could not possibly live in Florida (due mostly to the humidity.)
He'd wear chains that look like they came out of a grocery store dispenser. The kind they have so redneck mothers can entertain their bored kids. But they'd be worth least the cost of the dispenser. A piece. That's TWO dispensers.  That's what we call "Balla Status". Ashley had that.
He wouldn't wear deodorant-OH but don't worry.
I saw you worry there. 

He would be wearing the finest cologne a Palm Beach Walgreen's could offer. You could smell that man from Nebraska when he got ready to do the town. And he did the town every night. All nig…

Night and Day

If I could dedicate one song to You,
the infallible you, the you I loved,
not jadedly amused by you like
like the others who amused me,

I would dedicate
Night and Day 
because I've
already quietly
dedicated them
to memories of
you anyway

I'd Fuck Me.

Delusions versus Dreams

Today, I've taken some time off of my bureaucratic duties to the University.
I'm fairly certain one of my professors would approve. He's cool like that.

I realized that taking hold of my perceptions without any regard for the absurd would be in itself, absurd.
But then fully immersing yourself into the absurd, without even a passing glance at Reason, wouldn't be quite right either. 
And then it occurred to me that dreams and delusions are different things and I had been taking my dreams as delusions, then discarding them because I had confused their identity with something far more sinister.

A delusion is a firm and completely irrational belief. You want to believe something because you want it to be true. So you tell yourself it is true, and you believe it no matter how stupid and illogical it is.
What is truth? It's something you've read. You've been told. They told you they proved it in a laboratory somewhere like Stockholm. 
But then let's look at Reason. …

Narcissus Revisted

Narcissus is someone that i really feel sorry for.
I don't think people consider him as more than a self-centered man. A man obsessed with his own beauty.
But let's consider Narcissus as someone as more than a pretty face.

Narcissus sought to understand himself. He was captivated by his appearance because he was
captivated by discovering himself. He happened to discover that he was something so beautiful, that he fell in love with himself. But he could never find someone that could understand him.
Certainly, many wanted to understand him. But they simply couldn't. 
What if  Narcissus was a shy and reserved type of character? For a moment, let's considered Narcissus wasn't a self-centered ass, and was instead, an extraordinarily sensitive type of individual.
Echo came along and fell in love with Narcissus. Poor Echo. We all feel bad for her.
But what if Echo was an obnoxious and vacant type of nymph? What if Echo was extraordinarily annoying?
Narcissus didn't want to be …

The Story of Mona

There was a girl born in Boise, Idaho.
Her mother was a homemaker who had a bachelor's degree in communications. She worked at an elementary school as a guidance counselor. One day she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a piece of paper. She went to the pharmacy and she took the doctor's advice, taking as many as she felt she needed. She stopped crying before she fell asleep next to the girl's father. She stopped wondering why and how. She just stopped wondering and went to the PTA meetings she was supposed to go to.
The girl's father was an accountant. He wasn't going bald, but his hairline was receding. He made up for it because he drove a very nice, very bright car to work. His secretary was a fat boring woman but his intern was not. His intern was a very bright, very nice thing that drove to work and worked beside him. She was particularly intriguing in the broom closet because of her ability to multitask. Which is a quality that quality interns possess…

The Philosophy of Love: Part 1

Let's begin with a loose definition of Love:
Love is the ultimate manifestation of a successful and unconditional unity of the emotional, mental, and physical characteristics between individuals. To be in love is to desire to be understood by another beyond societal and objective conventions. The goal is to actualize this desire, which ultimately leads to an objective understanding between the subjective experience of individuals. 
Now let's see what we can do with the concept of selfhood:
The self seeks to be understood. The intrinsic identity of an individual seeks to be defined. An individual may attempt to define themselves independently of others, but one cannot define themselves without their relation to others because in realizing oneself, one must assume he or she is human. In realizing their existence as a human, an individual must assume that they are subject to their human nature as well as their objective environment. One must understand the things outside ourselves t…

Pin-up Practice Part I of III

Risky Business

70 Guys in 3 months

OH yeah.
I've totally fucked like
70 guys in the past like
3 or so months. 

Yeah I mean I don't
know where I find
time to write what with
all the guys I'm 
sleeping with

Ask anyone.
I'll bet I've slept with them.

Yes, oh yes, right-o
I'm a fucking...well
I'm just fucking, right!?

Yeah yeah...wait 72
72 dudes and they

In fact, they looked
at me and then *poof*
I came all over. 

Oh yeah it's a real treat 
all that dick I've been getting

In fact, I'm getting pounded right now.
So that's 73.
Yeah, you should believe me because
I always tell the worst truth.


And it finally dawned on me,
While I was wasting my time
Pining over something I thought
I had some responsibility for;

I was just the flavor of the month
I was another bitch that got your dick wet.

You knew what you were doing
And you knew I didn't. 

So here I am a complete fucking idiot
Because you were a careful cassanova
You played the game a little differently
And I lost. 

I'll never forgive you for 
the thousands of hours I wasted.

I was just another pussy
Another young juicy pussy
And you thought you could have some fun.

So I'm a fool for ever
believing in your decency
You used the guise of good intentions
As a means for an end for your dick. 

I hope you get rich quick 
So you get drones of silly girls just like me
To maintain your manhood's stability. 


The Heroes Of The Blizzard

I'd like to give a big Thanks
To all the clerks that manned
the 7-11 stations while the
white shit hit the weather fan.

You were there. 
When I needed cigarettes,
You were there.
When I wanted a candy bar,
You were there. 

When I was unreasonably upset,
You asked if I was okay ( true story )
And for that, 7-11 clerks, I truly do 
give you my deepest gratitude.

When I strike oil, I'm going to
find out where you all are
And I'm going to gift you. 

I'm not going to go out on a date with you though,
But I appreciate the thought.

I know you want Titty Pictures.

I know that. 

You cut me a break though
And you let me write

And once I'm done with that
I'll give you tits.
I'll give you ass. 
I'll give you juicy pussy.

I won't be giving you any of mine,
But trust me, I have an eye for quality

And I'm making you read here....
So you deserve a reward 

I'll give you a reward. But not now...

I have to go take a shower with 
some greased up Brazilian supermodels
Because we've been having pillow fights
It tends to get messy when we trade off
panties and rub each other with lotion....

So let me go and check Carmen for breast cancer

Successfully Rehabilitated

I have succeeded
and achieved my apogee
of emotional sobriety 

All smiles for all the while,
Won't you let me make you laugh?

Throwing away all those
forged TV romances has
broken the strings of the cross

You can see it there, it's lying in the dirt. 
Let's break it apart and make a fire. 

My concept of love has exploded
I see love in everything; what 
I had twisting inside of me
was a very nasty serpent; not love.
True love won't suffocate you like
some terrible disease; true love is
conversation marred with wit
True love is what I've been given 
by all those I've been blessed to meet.

The Day I learned to Live

Lo behold!
The day 
I learned to live!

Rejoice in that
silent beat of
poetry what
words dredge
the brilliant
inside myself

( Unlike you
I don't have a 
choice; I'm a 
slave to poesy)

Enough! I have
of wasted minutes
on the eve of all
anxieties; embarrassed
by the thought embarrassment
has stolen enough of my
time; I banish it to the
brackish waters 

Awake; i've come alive again!
Some bride of Frankenstein, 
I'm gone to play with the
angels and rose petals

What plastic wasting away
on street corners I won't take
it from itself but I'll watch it melt. 

I'll gorge on music
sun speckled dirt
and strange conversations

What a blessed day;
The day I learned 
to Live again

Benefit of the doubt.

So here I 
gave you 
the benefit
of the doubt.

I retract the benefit; 
now all that remains 
is the doubt. 

While I convinced
myself to assume
a guilty posture
I really shouldn't
think of it as
more than a 
moment in
time with 
a stranger.

Chemical Coleridge

Coleridge has
become a drug;
He floods me
Like an ancient sea

Free of all the 
neurotic ways 
of my inescapably 
poetic days;

I float on towards
Xananu that shines
over my eyes
mirroring neglected
fireflies; bizarre
trees sparkle white
in the yellow oiled lights

I feel like I could still
love you like this;
not quite dreaming
Still awake enough
to dissolve into a
chemical sleep

If only I was with you.
I could make your body sing.

My life is a cake walk.

Things are very simple.
Living my life is easy. 
I have to walk a cake walk. 

I decided, without noticing, 
somewhere along the line
That I would complicate things
and forever dwell in a world of
anxiety and bitter cynicism.  

Do you realize how difficult
it is to convince yourself to stop?

Do you understand why I resent my mind?
Do you understand why I resent my body?

No. Of course not. You don't even know how to pronounce my name.

Dear Guys who are linked to here from a Porn Site

Oh dear,
I'm dreadfully sorry!
There's been so much WRITING lately. 

I'll be sure to try to keep you all satisfied
with pictures of random porn stars
and myself doing mundane things 
in the nude. Please keep giving me hits.



I don't give a flying fuck
about your issues.

So you're fat.
Girls don't like you.
You're ugly and you're sad.

I don't care. You need to
stop being a little piece
of shit and grow a pair. 

Don't ever try talking to me
again about the sad state of 
affairs in your "hard" life. 

I tried to give you a shoulder
To lean on but you would
only lean on me to take
a look at my breasts. 

I'm so sick and tired of you
using your intellectual elitism 
to make yourself feel better by
putting others down and dropping
names like you were leaving a 
trail of bread crumbs to find
your way home. 

But still you revel in your
self-wallowing pity. 
I'll tell you now asshole;
That's never going to get you pussy.
Especially when you look the way you do.

Grab a knife and kill yourself if it's that bad.
If it isn't you better shut your fucking trap. 

Ultra Liberal=Ultra Conservative ( You Fucking Morons.)

There are two binaries of ideology
at any given time in any given place;
You have the liberal movement and
you have the conservative movement.

Right v Left.

Different names might be allocated,
But the basic principle remains unchanged.

Ultra conservatives and Ultra liberals are
the exact same kind of person; they won't
admit it because they're stubborn and 
quite blind to their own meandering hypocrisy.

An Ultra conservative is based on tradition
An Ultra liberal is based on change.
One says yes when the other says no
and vice versa. 

Both are exceedingly short sighted and
violently unpleasant to be around. 

Both have a fervent wish to 
indoctrinate anyone who has
the misfortune of listening
to their hateful prattle concerning
the opposite party.

It boils down and reduces itself to the
fact that both types of people
are ungodly boring and usually
quite stupid and banal. 

Stupid boring people without
a cause are considered worthless
So some stupid boring people realize
(or have had this realization made fo…

Elizabeth Bennet and I

Although our situations
are vastly different,
It seems to me that
Elizabeth Bennet and
I are kindred spirits.

That is to say, we were both 
deceived by our own vanity
And now we blush with the same shame
Quite mortified at our petty misconceptions.

We played with pride
as if it were a subdued kitten
But we were careless and
now our hands are bleeding.

As for the happy ending...
I'm not dead yet, Mr.Darcy.

Joy Came to Me.

How many weary nights
How many restless days
Were spent entertaining Despair?

I lost count after the first
My hospitality condemning
me to bear him silently but
Despair had no decency to 
keep Himself from
opening all my
cabinets and going
through my dirty laundry

Then! Despair slipped off
after I gave in to his useless whims
He was quite desperate to have
me fight with him; when I gave up
He closed the door quietly

And the next day, I woke
up next to Joy. She shone
on me and I opened my 
eyes; finally the world
had came back to me in all
her glory; covered in a 
white coat I was drinking
beauty she had no eyes to see

Joy came to me holding
the delicate hand of
my long-forgotten child;
I went away on the wind

I won't be coming back. 

Despair will have to leave
me a tear-stained note on
my weathered front porch.

I doubt I shall ever read it.

You had absolute power over me.

Oh my dear,
I wonder what
you would have
done if you had
known the gross
amount of power
you had upon me.

I suppose you would
have abused it, because
absolute power, corrupts
absolutely ( bless your heart)

I knew full well that this
was a dangerous territory
and the grit in my eye today is
well worth avoiding a 
trench of disaster tomorrow. 

Perhaps you would not have
thought of it like that...

But eventually, you would
have gotten slap-happy. 

No one has ever had
me under their thumb
quite like you, but
I'm quite sure
I put myself there
And I'm even more
sure you never noticed.

Should I see you again,
My house of cards would
make a mess on the table top. 

I'll never let on to who you are,
But I'll tell you that you could
have done anything you wanted
with me then. 

Not many men have had that luxury.
Nor will many men ever have that luxury. 

So you damn well better consider
yourself lucky, young man...
in a few years you'll certainly see why.

Snowball fight.

I had a snowball fight today
With friends and strangers
at around 2 in the morning.

It was the happiest I've been in months.

I'd like to push you around in the snow.
I'd make you think I wasn't thinking of doing it...
Then I'd tackle you in the snow.

I'd pelt you with snowballs till you came after me
And then I'd push you in the snow
fall on top of you and smile before
I had you chasing after me again.

I'd probably kiss you the second time you caught me.
We would melt the snow off of each other's eyelashes.

OMG secret fat people.

secret fat people.
You know?!

You know what I mean bro?!
when there's a lady with a sweet
shirt dress t shirt thing and she
got that BANGIN FACE but wait...
are her arms chubby? is that...
a roll or just fabric?

Or a dude in sweat pants
with a face that's just
a bit too baby?!

Y'all don't know.
It's HARD out there sometimes.

Posing with the Cat

These pictures don't have much in common...
I like them though. 


imagine having an existential crisis
every couple of weeks or so
Maybe my shoes are just
made for wondering what
it means to be on my feet

for those of you too inherently 
stupid to even grasp the
spelling of existential crisis:

It's like having to say which
is coke and which is pepsi
but they're both coke
and you don't know but
everyone else does know
and they taste the same
but you think it's different
because that's what they're
telling you and why would they lie
And there you are, completely
confused and upset and nervous
and you just don't know
what to do with yourself

I have fervent hope,
however, that this
episodic doubt
over my subjective
existence is for
The Greater Good.

If it isn't, I will 
have probably driven
myself insane and 
forcefully delude myself
into thinking it is real

Either way, it's a win-win.

Hunting Moments

It comes down 
to a wish begging
to be fulfilled 

A poignant 
desire plucked
like a single sad
note on a violin

To Leave
and drift
to wander
every lonely 
street in 
the eerie
hours before
dawn cracks
open like
an egg slowly
frying in a
blue pan 

Hunting for
moments in
desert towns