(For contextual reasons please imagine me wearing a neon tracksuit and a headset. As well as peroxide all up in my hair. And those sweet mom reeboks...you know what i'm talkin about. As well as dilated pupils that make me look like that bassist from limp biscuit. I'm sorry, brisket....bizkit?)
WELCOME AND HELLO! HELLO! ARE YOU READY?!
Come on guys, that was WEAK
ARE YOU READY?!
So you guys are here because...by all rhyme and reason, society has considered you a failure.
You for example; you're an ugly woman. And that means you've failed as a wife. Not married? Figures. No one wants to swim in your gene pool lady.
Oh you're a man? My god...you have the breasts of an angel.
How much money do you make?
Six figures? Listen...you're practically in a coma from all the ugly beating you in the face... you're gonna need more than that to be considered at all worthwhile.
And you... you're pregnant and ten.
And fat. How are you going to be jailbait, huh?
Chris Hansen would never hire you.
You over there...you're shooting up while there's still a needle in between your toes.While we're at it...you're wearing toe socks with sandals.
Listen guys. I'm not going to lie to you
It is your fault. Society does it's own thing. It works. YOU DON'T.
But you can fix it. You can fix it!
Do you want to know how?
I SAID DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW?!
Alright, shut the fuck up and listen the fuck up to what I'm about to fucking tell you about this shit.
You gotta understand guys, the key to success is understanding that LIFE is your BITCH.
That's right. See...you are life's bitch right now.
You gotta 360 180 or 175 it guys.
LIFE IS YOUR BITCH
Take her, and scream at her
Ask for your damn money
CHOKE HER! SHE CHEATED ON YOU!
No woah woah...
no don't actually choke the bitch next to you.
I mean metaphorically you guys. You gotta take the metaphorical bitch and you take her and you push her down on her knees and you say," Life. You're going to blow me today and everyday for the rest of my life. And you're going to smell like strawberries all the time. AND YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT PROMOTION"
And once you say that, Life is going to get the fuck down on her knees and she's going to give you the best dome your dong has ever donned. And when you shove her head towards your manly success, she's not even going to gag.
THE GAME OF LIFE
TAKE THAT GAME
AND RIP IT UP!
Here, I brought several hundred sets for us to rip up together. Watch out that the corner doesn't hit you in the eye
My bad. My bad. Sorry. Bad throw.
Awful catch. My bad. My bad. Butterfingers.
You catch like a girl. My bad.
SO WHO'S GOING TO WALK INTO THE GAS STATION AND ROB THE CLERK?!
WHO'S GOING TO GIVE THE SHERIFF A HANDJOB TO GET OFF PROSTITUTION CHARGES!?
WHO'S GOING TO GET A STUDENT PREGNANT AND NOT PAY FOR AN ABORTION?!
WHO'S GOING TO DO BUMPS IN THE BATHROOM AND GET BOINKED BY THE MAYOR?!
go get em, tigers.