Skip to main content

If I was a motivational speaker

(For contextual reasons please imagine me wearing a neon tracksuit and a headset. As well as peroxide all up in my hair. And those sweet mom reeboks...you know what i'm talkin about. As well as dilated pupils that make me look like that bassist from limp biscuit. I'm sorry, brisket....bizkit?)

WELCOME AUDIENCE

WELCOME AND HELLO! HELLO! ARE YOU READY?!


Come on guys, that was WEAK


ARE YOU READY?!


HOOOOOOOOOOOOO AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!


So you guys are here because...by all rhyme and reason, society has considered you a failure.


You for example; you're an ugly woman. And that means you've failed as a wife. Not married? Figures. No one wants to swim in your gene pool lady.


Oh you're a man? My god...you have the breasts of an angel. 

How much money do you make?

Six figures? Listen...you're practically in a coma from all the ugly beating you in the face... you're gonna need more than that to be considered at all worthwhile. 

And you... you're pregnant and ten.

And fat. How are you going to be jailbait, huh? 

Chris Hansen would never hire you.


You over there...you're shooting up while there's still a needle in between your toes.While we're at it...you're wearing toe socks with sandals. 


Listen guys. I'm not going to lie to you


It is your fault. Society does it's own thing. It works. YOU DON'T.


But you can fix it. You can fix it!


Do you want to know how?


I SAID DO YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW?!


Alright, shut the fuck up and listen the fuck up to what I'm about to fucking tell you about this shit. 


You gotta understand guys, the key to success is understanding that LIFE is your BITCH. 


That's right. See...you are life's bitch right now. 

NO

You gotta 360 180 or 175 it guys.

LIFE IS YOUR BITCH

Take her, and scream at her

Ask for your damn money

CHOKE HER! SHE CHEATED ON YOU!


No woah woah...

no don't actually choke the bitch next to you. 


I mean metaphorically you guys. You gotta take the metaphorical bitch and you take her and you push her down on her knees and you say," Life. You're going to blow me today and everyday for the rest of my life. And you're going to smell like strawberries all the time. AND YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME THAT PROMOTION" 


And once you say that, Life is going to get the fuck down on her knees and she's going to give you the best dome your dong has ever donned. And when you shove her head towards your manly success, she's not even going to gag. 


THE GAME OF LIFE

TAKE THAT GAME

AND RIP IT UP!


Here, I brought several hundred sets for us to rip up together. Watch out that the corner doesn't hit you in the eye

My bad. My bad. Sorry. Bad throw. 

Awful catch. My bad. My bad. Butterfingers.

You catch like a girl. My bad. 


SO WHO'S GOING TO WALK INTO THE GAS STATION AND ROB THE CLERK?!

YOU ARE!

WHO'S GOING TO GIVE THE SHERIFF A HANDJOB TO GET OFF PROSTITUTION CHARGES!?

YOU ARE!

WHO'S GOING TO GET A STUDENT PREGNANT AND NOT PAY FOR AN ABORTION?!

YOU ARE!!


WHO'S GOING TO DO BUMPS IN THE BATHROOM AND GET BOINKED BY THE MAYOR?!

I AM!!!


go get em, tigers. 

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

I Can't Hear Your Little Red Rooster

Fright

I call this room Home.

He will not look at me

His eyes flicker with

a speck of violence.



my strained smile,

disgusted by

my pleading eyes.

my veins freeze

icy blood

tearing through coronaries




May Day

'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

'There's a bullet for you, just in case.'

Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…