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I love my blackberry so shut up about your damn iphone

I know that an iphone can 

tell the future as well as time

I know the iphone is the zenith

of all that is good in the world

I know that when you buy an iphone

your dick automatically doubles in size

I know that an iphone is more desirable

than most women and most men

But I say....

Fuck you iphone,

I love my blackberry

Because it makes me 

feel needlessly important

AND business ladylike casual

And I am wholly satisfied

hearing the click of the buttons

It makes our relationship better

And our sex life thrice as nice

So when I send a text

it's not just a Sup

It's a Sup from my BLACKBERRY.

Probably sent to an iphone.  

Who wants to buy me an iphone?


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'Hope, you don't have to use it on your wedding night.'

She handed the pistol to Hope, right after the vows, right before the reception.

'I'm just kidding, darling. Don't worry. He's a good man. You did well sweetheart. He's a good man. You'll be fine.'

Hope's paper-thin smile tried to grow as she stared at her grandmother's reflection in the mirror. The mother-of-pearl grip sparkled in her grandmother's hand, bathed by the Chapel's cheap buzzing lights.

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Hope had left the gun on the table.

A week earlier, drunk off self-pity, she had taken it out of its case and walked to the kitchen, where she stuck the barrel in her mouth and proceeded to take pictures of herself to send to Ray.

In a rare instance of good fortune, her phone ran out of battery before she could indulge her sense of pithy revenge. She woke up and pried open her tear-salted eyelashes then made sure to delete an…