It's Christmas eve, and this is my gift to you.
Let me tell you a little story about Gary. Gary isn't technically in the Bible, but he was around.
This is what happened with Gary.
Gary was born the regular way ( There ain't nothin wrong with a little bump and grind folks). This is before Mary wised up to the idea of immaculate conception.
It was rough being Gary... he was born in July so no wise men came to give him mir or frankincense...it was too hot. The trip wasn't worth it. I mean it was Gary...not Jesus. So all he got was a three-legged donkey and a barrel. To be fair, it was an awfully nice barrel. Gently used but still functional.
Gary wasn't exactly the most interesting or smart or good looking guy in Bethlehem. He didn't have much pre-natal care so he ended up with a lazy eye that he could see into the future with. People didn't believe him because...well it's hard to believe someone with a lazy eye.
When Jesus came along, Gary was stoked. Very very stoked. He was a little sore that the wise men didn't think to apologize for their absence at his birth but still, Gary was stoked about his baby brother Jesus.
Before Jesus got famous, Gary was the guy that taught him about carpentry. And man, if Jesus wasn't all about making birdhouses and spice racks...that was thanks to Gary.
Jesus was a little bit of a ruffian, but Gary managed to convince the guy who wrote up the Bible to leave that part out. PR was still a thing back then and Gary was pretty well aware of how quickly the tabloids would distort Jesus smashing mailboxes into Jesus going on an all out heroin binge in persian harems.
So Gary had Jesus' back. Jesus, however, did not. He was actually kind of a dick to Gary.
But that's because Jesus had a thing for Ms.Magdalene. Ms.Magdalene had a thing for Gary.
Gary was a bit upset because he actually kind of had a thing for Juda...which I'll get to later.
But Gary was all about helping out Jesus. Because Jesus would consistently ball-tap him whenever Mary made eyes at Gary. So Gary wanted to help out Jesus. To save his balls but mostly for Jesus' back.
So he taught Jesus how to turn water into wine. That's what happened. Jesus invited Mary over and he charmed her with magic tricks and wine. And then the magic happened. But that wine trick? That was all Gary.
That's what actually happened but again...PR was still important so that wasn't written into the books. It wouldn't give much credibility to Jesus.
So Gary...well Gary had that thing for Juda.
Juda had a thing for Gary.
Juda and Gary got together one day and well...maybe it was the dust storm...maybe it was the sheepskin rug but...well...one thing lead to another and.... use your imagination. I'm not trying to turn this into a porno...but it kind of was a porno.
Jesus was walking around, all cool-like since he had just come from Magdalene's hut, and if you know anything about Mary, you know she was no virgin. She was actually the one that invented Bjs...which were originally called Jjs ( Jesus Jobs. But to be politically correct...well the name had to be changed).
But anyway. Jesus was walking around and giving blind people the gift of sight when he stumbled upon Juda and Gary...milking a sheep.
Well there's no truer sign than sheep-milking marking immoral behavior.
So Jesus took Gary aside and said, "Gary.Dude..."
And Gary just looked at him, wiped the sheep's milk from his mouth, and said, "Don't Worry."
Gary knew that, being Jesus' brother, being A Gay was not going to be good at all for the Jesus image.
So he snuck into the bible writer's hut and he burned the parchment that mentioned his... indiscretions.
He knew he had to leave, so he rented a camel and meandered towards a different part of the Roman empire....one where no one would know about his sheep-milking with Juda.
So Gary changed his name to Spartacus. And thusly excluded himself from the Bible. For Christ's sake.
How do I know this?
The Pope and I...we kinda had a thing a couple years back. Yeah he cheated on me...so that's why I'm telling you about Gary. Everyone at the Vatican knows about Gary... it's about time you learned the truth.
Yes, you're welcome.