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If I was a health teacher

Hi...sorry I'm late...I got distracted by a crackwhore on my way... it's pretty amazing what you can do with a paper clip, tampons and a little imagination.

Boy! It is QUIET in here... Um... okay I'll start. My name is Camille Frere and I'm addicted to online pornography and -aren't you all a little young to be in NA? How old are you?

12?

Damn...you must have all ruined your parents' marriages-Woops! 

Wait this doesn't really look like the warehouse...what is this? Is it a party? You got blow? 

This looks suspiciously like a classroom...

Ohhhh yeah...it's monday...heh...yeah sorry about that class! The fumes must have gotten me first hand high! SORRY sorry sorry. Well! Welcome to... Sex Ed.

Let me write that on the board for the deaf kids.... 

oh this is one of those blind people schools...okay well let me write that on the board so I can remember where I am. 


Now kids...you're going to go through a lot of changes. Let's start with the girls. 

Girls, you're going to start feeling inferior to one another based on cup size and that's basically how the world works. Don't ignore that feeling. That feeling is what's going to get you an upper lower-class trailor with a husband who only beats you once a week instead of every night. For god sakes DO NOT fight that feeling. You want to land a man don't you?

First off. Boys love blowjobs. Do you know what a blowjob is?

Well...smile like a donut okay? like what I'm doing-no no Angela not so much teeth, that's only going to get you a black eye.

Okay now what you gotta do, and this is going to explain my bag of bananas, is take a banana...here, pass them around...you're going to take a banana and you're going to shove it as far back down your throat as you can without throwing up okay? Now you gotta make sure the banana stays the way it was before you started- Kim...did you eat your banana?

Kim, ladies, is an example of a future wife on the maury show. 

Don't worry about it kim...there are a lot of weirdos out there for you to choose from.


Okay now, move your mouth up and down-yeah...great okay...now do that for 15 minutes while I talk to the boys... and if I don't hear gagging, I'll know you're not doing it right...


Boys, I need you to understand that a woman is something to be respected. The best way to show a woman that you respect her is to USE her. You use a broom right? I mean a broom doesn't sweep on it's own unless it's a japanese super broom and I know none of you can ever dream of affording that....well a woman is a broom. She has to be used to sweep the dust off your boy parts with her girl parts so that you can get into heaven. 


Now the clitoris is what god gave women to make them evil. You have to use your thumb to erase god's mistake. Don't worry if she sounds like she's in pain; women don't feel pain. Women are ancestors of the snake. Aka the devil. 

Okay now boys...size does matter. Take your pants off. Okay now look at the girls and the bananas. Okay now look at Tommy...woops! heh heh forgot about the blind part okay...touch Tommy and then touch yourself. Do you see how yours is smaller? Well boys Tommy is going to become president one day. And he's going to win a nobel peace prize. And the lottery. And he's going to bang anna nicole smith's hot ass baby.

Do you know why?

No not his mind. What are you, blind AND retarded?

Because his boy parts are bigger than yours... all you can hope for is a Ricer with a whale wing. Maybe Dean over there will manage to get a camaro or something...You...well you're going to have to get clever....you're just going to be miserable until you hold up a McDonald's and rape a hostage....


What time is it?

10:30?

When did we start?

10:13?


Okay well...uh...here are some condoms. Make balloon animals out of them until I come back. I have to go eat a banana with your principal. 

Comments

  1. hahaha, i really hope the FCC doesn't monitor blogs

    ReplyDelete
  2. "no no Angela not so much teeth, that's only going to get you a black eye."

    "Kim...did you eat your banana?"

    busted out laughing

    ReplyDelete
  3. THE FCC CAN SUCK MY METAPHORICAL DICK.

    ReplyDelete

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